I don’t want to be a “Second Hander”

Acknowledgements

 A special thanks for Ayn Rand for introducing the term “Second Hander” to me. Also, Very special thanks to all my friends who shared their wisdom and experience which formed the essence of this blog.

I will turn 25 this October. When I look back, I realize one thing. I was always given a choice in my life. I am fortunate that in every single step right from KG to UG, I had the liberty to choose the life I wanted. I also realize that the choices I made were sometimes good and sometimes not so good (but were good experiences). The consequences of the choices were also proportional to the quality of my choice. There is one important thing here. How I made a choice is important. Did I make a choice since others around me are making it or is it my own?  How was I influenced by the world around me? And why am I influenced?

I think it was in my 8^th standard (1999) that I finished Karate Yellow Belt. There was one incident here that I still remember. For finishing Karate, I had to take an exam. It will cost me some 1000 rupees. That was last week of the month and my Dad had no money to give me. He said “you were never regular to your classes and there is no point in going for an exam. Even if you pass, it’s because of the money you paid and your learning is not good enough. So, learn Karate well and I will pay the fee next month”. He was right.  But I am not OK with his answer. All I want is a certificate. And why? Because all my friends are getting it. I thought I will get humiliated by my friends. I was hurt by his answer. I cried for 2 hrs and did a lot of drama before my parents and finally got my wish fullfilled. I am a karate Yellow belt. That day… I won the war but lost the battle. Whenever this thought comes to me, I always feel so embarrassed and I always wish I get a chance to go back and erase that chapter.

Fast forward>> Four years later 2003, its time that I choose my UG course. I chose Engineering ECE. There was no second thought. But if you ask me “why?”, The honest answer would be: “Couple of my uncles and four or five of my cousins did engineering and settled in US. They are earning well and I will also do the same. I took ECE because all the meritorious candidates around me said ECE is the best course in engineering”. That time, In my world, there is no other branch that a boy who completed +2 can take. If the boy takes any other stream other than engineering, he is a worthless candidate.

Fast forward>> Four years later 2007, Anyways, I chose ECE and I graduated very well in First class. Now it is time to take up a job. I have only a list of 7 or 8 companies in my mind and I will have to make it to one of them. IBM, Infosys, TCS, CTS, Wipro, Satyam, Mindtree, IGate and Hexaware were my list as well as order of priority. All of them, IT companies and prominently, Indain IT companies. I never thought “What the hell am I gonna do in an IT Industry? How am I gonna do justice to the engineering I did?” I went to IT because all my friends and cousins are going to IT. IT pays me more and IT company gives me a good feel to boast in public. People recognize IT company better than most of the other companies.

Fast forward>> present day 2010, Fortunately, I didn’t repent of having joined an IT company. I am doing a good job and My Company always treated me well and I am happy for being in that.  learnt a lot.

But If you ask me now “What is ECE?”, I may not be able to answer.This is not the case with me alone. Many of my friends, relatives and lakhs of other people whom I don’t know have similar stories. I forgot everything about my main stream which I studied for 4 years.

So, what now? Why am I telling all this? Because I learnt one thing. No matter what I did, no matter what I became, all the others around me were not really bothered. Even if they bothered, it was only for a moment or two. There were very few in my life who cared for what I did. The rest of them were busy with their own lives. The friends for whom I insisted my parents in getting the karate belt, The society for which I had to make various choices were not really bothered of what I did and frankly, they don’t have to. Why should they?

The most important thing I learnt from all these experiences is: not to COMPARE. There is a saying in Telugu “Pulini ni choosi nakka vaata pettukundi” (The fox burnt its skin to get the scars of a Tiger). This should not happen.  I am unique. There is no other Chaitu in this world. I am special. Like ways, everybody in this world is special. It is very wrong to think that the other person should be reaching your standards and expectations. At the same time, it is very wrong changing yourself for the sake of the other person (Where is your individuality then?).

One day, in a discussion about family, I was asking my best friend “What is the best thing about your wife?” and he replied “She is not a second hander” (He also is a fan of Ayn Rand).

I was so happy to hear that. So far, this was the best answer I got. I loved it.

The term second hander is introduced to me by Ayn Rand in her book “The Fountainhead”. In brief, the term refers to a person who considers him/herself unique, doesn’t compare him/herself with others and doesn’t care about what others think of him/her as far as he/she is doing the right thing. If you haven’t read “The FountainHead” and “Atlas Shrugged”, I sincerely suggest you read them. They will become an integrated part of your life.

Most of the time, we are concious about what others think of us. To an extent, it helps. But beyond that, it sucks. It is because of false pride / false prestige / over conciousness / inferiority complex that most of the times we tend to do some things that we can’t afford to or we will not do some things which we must do. Simple example: Avoiding speaking in public by thinking “What will others think of me if I make some mistakes?” Why do you care a damn? How long are you gonna be like this? And who is free enough to go home and talk about the mistakes you made? Another example will be “Un affordable shopping / Investment”. Why do it when it is gonna bring you tons and tons of mental pressure? When I ask someone this question, 95% of the time, I get an answer “Social Status” and after listening to that I think “**** the social status. It is killing you man”.

Tomorrow, when you are in pain, is your social status gonna help you? If so, how far? As far as I believe, anything which is acquired by using money will never last long unless and until you have more money. Be it your status or be it your pride or be it your friends. These will come with expiry dates and you’ll have to renew them. Things that are permanent never need money but they require trust, love and effort.

So, In my opinon, doing things for the sake of others is ignorance. Comparing oneself with another is foolishness. Don’t let the society define us. We can define ourselves. We are fit enough.

Why I am saying all this lecture is because I am seeing it. Everyday.This has become so common. The worst part is yet to come.

Let me take a common example. In Case of teenagers or people in the early 20s, it is now a social status to have a girl / boy friend. Somebody should call you up everyday in the morning and say “Hi honey!! How are you doing? Did you sleep well last night? Whats the plan for the day?” You should go shopping only in super malls. You should wear only designed clothes. You should be going for movies in multiplexes. You should be receiving gifts on Valentines day, Birthday and if possible everyday. You expect an SMS every hour and a call two times a day in which you should be asked “Hi Sweety!! How was your day” and call should last a minimum of one hour.  And finally after continously doing this for 3 or max 6 months, you’ll end up saying “He / She is not my type” The story goes on…..

WTF!!!! You finally ended up becoming a small and ofcourse temporary Devdas / DevDasi J Bullshit!!

(I am not talking about the sincere lovers. I respect love and I know its value. No offense).

So, from this entire discussion, I just wanna express one thing “ We always will have choices in our life. Before making a choice, Kindly, just think once “Is this really necessary for me?”.Dont make a choice if it unnecessary and don't forgo a chance / choice which is necessary.  This simple thought is gonna bring you loads and loads of happiness. Trust me. Let us define and maintain our individualities. Let us not give others the chance to define them.

There is more to write…. But I am sleepy. BTW, Happy Ganesh Chaturdhi J

See you guys again when I write my next blog…. Till then…. Ba bye….